- Dad are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
- What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
- A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
- Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
- How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
- I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
- When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stare.
- Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no … not U2 again!”
- Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
- I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
- I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
- What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with spelling? There, their, they’re.
- I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
- What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up her own incision? Suture self.
- I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.
